You push, I shove.
You push, I shove, harder.
You reach, I pull away.
I pull farther and farther away.
You follow, I run.
Faster. And then I’m gone.
I trick myself into thinking its all you. I find a flaw in everything you do. I tell myself its okay to push you away, I tell myself I’ll be okay without you. I don’t need you. I lie to myself, saying you left me.
But the emotional attachment is too much.
You appear in my darkest moments, I long for you. I want you attention, your affection. Hours pass, and I imagine you coming for me, I imagine you appearing, pulling me out of the dark hole I crawled into.
The worst part is that in some part of my sick, deranged mind, I’m okay. I’m okay because I’m protecting myself. I think it’s okay because I’ll thank myself one day for preparing myself for the inevitable abandonment. I’m tearing myself apart, tearing you apart, just to be completely alone. I’m shoving you out because I’m scared of having someone take care of me.
I’m putting my walls up, and I’m going to keep you out, because I can’t risk getting close to you.